GSC: Pair Game 13
by Count Mallet
Summary: Speculative one-shot (SWTCW x Match Game 7x). The pilot episode for a game show in which two ordinary citizens try to fill in the blanks and match celebrities–both Republic and Separatist–in an attempt to win credits. Teen for possible double entendres. Originally posted to Fanfiction·net. [S52-F42-O21-X9]


**Preface**

This has been an idea of mine for a while. When I discovered the digital TV sub-channel for Buzzr, one of my favorite game shows became _Match Game 78_. In fact, I host my own version of the 1970's _Match Game_ with friends, and I've written my own scoreboard program for it—complete with music from the show. While I did watch the pilot episode for the Summer 2016 version of _Match Game_ , I found it too risque for my tastes. So, don't expect to see questions here that are better suited for that show.

I thought it might be interesting to write a story where Clone Wars-era characters play the 70's-era version of _Match Game_ with panelists from both the Republic and the CIS.

Why _Pair Game 13_? I wrote this story to take place in 22 BBY—or 13 GrS—with the idea the year would change just like it did on the original show.

As is customary, matching will be chosen at random, and the announcer's comments will be written in _[bracketed italics]_ to avoid directly quoting those passages each time.

* * *

 **Acknowledgments**

Very special thanks to the Walt Disney Company for Star Wars characters and concepts.

Also, very special thanks to the FremantleMedia Group—the current distributor of Match Game.

* * *

The screen displayed a rotating geometric figure as the voice-over announcing began over background music.

 _[Get ready to pair with the people: Wat Tambor, Mina Bonteri, Count Dooku, Shaak Ti, Mace Windu, and Padmé Amidala—as we play the celebrity-crammed, big credit Pair Game 13.]_

The opening theme song then played.

 _[And here's the host of Pair Game 13: Ray Geneburn!]_

A human male with dark hair walked out on stage and greeted the panelists as they applauded.

"Hello, and thank you Ollie Johnson. Welcome to the first episode of what we hope is a fun game show that brings together people from all over the galaxy," Ray said.

"You can say that again," Count Dooku replied.

"Let's go ahead meet our first-ever contestants. We have Dexter Jettster and Letta Turmond."

The audience applauded as most of the panelists waved.

"Dexter, you're in the green chair, so we'll talk to you first. Tell us a little about yourself."

"Thanks, Ray. It's good to be here, but you can call me Dex. I'm originally from Ojom and I own a diner on Coruscant," Dex replied.

"That's impressive. I bet you have all kinds of stories you can tell, but we only have a half-hour show, so those will have to wait. Sitting next to you in the red chair is Letta Turmond. What would you like to tell us today, Letta?"

"I'm also from Coruscant and I work part-time while my husband works in the Jedi Temple," she told Ray.

"At least we have two people with diverse perspectives," Ray replied. "Although we discussed this backstage, let's tell the audience what's going to happen. The object of our game is to try to pair up with as many of our six celebrities as possible by having the same answer to a fill in the blank-style question. Whomever leads after two rounds wins the game, earns 100 credits, and has the chance to play our Audience Pair for a chance to increase those winnings by over 5000 credits."

Both Dex and Letta nodded.

"Because this is our first game, we rolled a chance cube backstage to see who would go first. Dex, that's you. Would you like to select question aurek or question besh to start us off?" Ray asked.

"I think I'll try question aurek, Ray," Dex replied.

"OK, here's your first question. Everyone plays. Cranky Charles is so cranky..."

"How cranky is he?" half the audience yelled out.

"I wasn't expecting audience interaction, but it was a nice touch. Cranky Charles is so cranky, his wife says he's crankier than a (blank)."

As background music played, each panelist recorded an answer on the combination keyboard/touch screen in front of each chair. As panelists locked in their answers, the names on their displays lit up in white light.

"OK, Dex, our panelists have answered the question, now it's your turn to give me your answer. Cranky Charles is so cranky, his wife says he's crankier than a..."

"I'll say a Wampa," Dex answered.

Most of the audience applauded.

"That's not a bad answer, Dex," Ray said. "Wampas aren't exactly known for their hospitality, are they? Let's see what our panelists say. If you pair with one of them, you'll hear a dinging sound. If not, you'll hear a buzzer. Wat, what did you say?"

Wat tinkered with the volume and pitch controls on his pressure suit. Finally, he said, "I put down a hawk-bat."

"A hawk-bat? Those don't seem too cranky or menacing to me!"

The audience's boos seemed to support Ray's opinion.

"Alright, let's see what Mina said."

"I went a different way with this," she replied as she revealed an answer of "assassin droid."

"I wouldn't tangle with those, but I can't imagine droids being cranky. Let's see what Dooku has for us."

"I'm not one for peer pressure, but I actually wrote down a wampa because I can't think of a more brutal creature."

"There's your first pair, Dex. You have the lead for now. Let's see if the Republic Tier can give you more matches. Shaak, my dear, what did you say?"

Shaak's lekku stripes darkened briefly before she said, "As you may know, Togruta come from Shili, so I thought of a raging akul."

"A good, logical answer, but that doesn't help Dex. Mace, Cranky Charles was so cranky, Dex thinks his wife finds him crankier than a wampa. What says you?"

"You sound like Master Yoda when you say that, and I'd rather not think about him."

"Sorry, we **did** agree to no shop talk on the show. Show us your answer."

"I put Darth Maul."

The audience chuckled while Dooku face palmed.

"Definitely vicious, possibly cranky, but you didn't pair with Dex. Alright, Padmé, it's your turn at last. Show us a wampa."

"I wish I could, but I put down an angry Wookie."

"Well, there's no pair there, but you did get one that round, Dex. I'll confess our opening-round questions are written in such a way that we see all kinds of goofy answers. It'll get better, though. Letta, now that you know what to expect, I'll read your question. Everyone plays again. Paula the perfume maker made a new perfume inspired by Tatooine. She calls it Eau de (blank)."

Once again, background music played as the panelists recorded their answers.

Seeing everyone locked in, Ray said, "Our panelists have their responses ready, Letta, so all we need is yours. Paula the perfume maker made a new perfume inspired by Tatooine. She calls it Eau de..."

"The only thing I can think of is 'Desert,'" Letta answered.

"Judging by the lukewarm applause of the audience, they aren't sure what to think of your answer. But Tatooine **is** known for being a desert planet. Let's see what these rascals have for us. Wat, start us off."

Wat, with a slightly deeper voice than before, said, "I thought of something more sinister: Eau de Hutt."

"That's not a pair, and I bet you'd have to buy **that** perfume in large quantities. Let's move on to the marvelous Mina Bonteri."

"Thanks, Ray," she replied. "I couldn't think of anything about Tatooine besides its deserts, so I put 'desert.'"

"And Letta gets a pairing to tie the game. Alright, Dooku, we're looking for some Eau de Desert. What do you have for us?"

"Something very undesirable: Eau de Jawa."

The audience booed emphatically.

"I think you're right, Dooku. I know I wouldn't buy that. That's probably why everyone thinks it's a bad answer. Let's see what the lower tier has for us. Shaak, what kind of perfume did you think of in Tatooine?"

"I was going to say 'sandstorm' because I know women are attracted to rugged guys for weird, unknown reasons. But you can't have a sandstorm without a desert, so I wrote that instead," Shaak told Ray.

"That puts Letta in the lead. Moving on to Mace, we're looking for another desert."

"And here you go," Mace said.

"That's three for Letta. Padmé, can you make it four?"

"Sorry, Ray," she replied. "I've been on Tatooine and it's not a fun place. I put 'Eau de Cantina.'"

"That's definitely not a pairing. But given how sleazy those places can be, I can see why you put it down. So, Letta enjoys a 3-1 lead over Dex after our first round. We'll play the second round in a moment right after we do some business with the galaxy."

###

After a commercial break, Ray greeted everyone again, saying, "Welcome back to Pair Game 13. After our opening round, Letta Turmond enjoys a 3-1 lead over Dex Jettster. So, we'll bump up the indicator to round two and reveal two more questions. Letta, you have the lead, so you get to go first this time. Would you like question aurek or question besh?"

"Besh proved to be good last time, Ray. I'll take that one again," Letta answered.

"You may as well stick with what works, right? This time, Mina, Shaak, and Mace **won't** participate because they already paired up with Letta last round. That means Wat, Dooku, and Padmé will be answering this question."

After the panelists nodded, Ray added, "Letta, think about this: Chewbacca forgot to refuel his ship. He chalked it up as a (blank) mistake."

Wat, Dooku, and Padmé recorded their answers as different background music played.

"Alright, Letta, this is it. Let's see if you can extend your lead. Chewbacca forgot to refuel his ship. He chalked it up as a ..."

Letta looked on in confusion. Finally, she said, "A dumb mistake?"

The audience's boos showed their lack of enthusiasm with her answer.

"Letta, I might not know everything, but I have a feeling you might not get any pairings this round. There was one good, definitive answer here that I think you missed. Anyways, let's check out the answers. Wat, what did you think of here?"

Wat's voice sounded higher-pitched this time as he said, "I think this is what you wanted: a Wookie mistake."

The audience cheered wildly.

"There you go," Ray replied. "It's a play on words... a rookie mistake... a Wookie mistake. Get it, now?"

Letta simply shrugged.

"Let's move on and see what Dooku has for us."

"As much as I hate juvenile humor, the one time I play along goes for naught. I put down 'Wookie' too."

"So far, everyone got the definitive answer except for Letta. Padmé is our last hope for adding to your lead. Padmé, what did you record for us?"

"Well, I really hated the audience booing poor Letta. I was just as clueless with this question, too. I put down it was a dumb mistake."

"What do you know, Letta? You actually paired up with Padmé. That gives you a 4-1 lead for now. Dex, we now ask you your final question. You'll need three pairings to tie and four to win."

"No problem," Dex said.

"This time, everyone but Dooku will participate because he was the only match for Dex last round. So you get to lay out this round."

"I suppose I could get a tan under these bright lights," Dooku deadpanned.

Ray laughed before responding. "Now, now. Let's not be funnier than the host. We have our contracts to honor, you know. Anyways, here's your question, Dex. Did you hear about the Sith that was extremely ugly? He was called Darth (blank)."

"Wouldn't you know I miss a question I'd enjoy answering," Dooku stated as the background music played.

"What if we don't know any Sith Lords?" Mina asked.

"Well make something up, then!" Ray exclaimed. "That hasn't stopped any of you so far today."

Once the panelists, save Dooku, locked in their answers, Ray turned to Dex.

"OK, this is it, Dex. You need to pair three times for a tie; four for the win. Did you hear about the Sith that was extremely ugly? He was called Darth..."

Dex chuckled before answering, "All I can think of is 'Darth Hideous.'"

The audience cheered wildly.

"Obviously, the audience loves your answer," Ray replied. "Even I liked it. However, we have to see what these silly panelists thought."

Wat fidgeted with his voice controls again.

"Sorry, Ray," he replied in a more mechanical-sounding voice. "I know there are rumors of a Sith named Darth Sidious, so I figured if he was ugly, he'd be Darth Hideous."

"There's a pairing. That's two for Dex. Mina, what about you?"

Mina's display showed a rather ugly face with 'Darth Hideous' written underneath it.

"We can't give bonus points for artwork, but that's another pairing. Dooku laid out this round, so we go down to Shaak."

"I couldn't think of anything funny, so I put 'Darth Ghastly.'"

Shaak's response drew a few boos from the audience.

"Such a tough crowd today. You wouldn't know this was our first show," Ray said. "Mace, if you show us Darth Hideous, we have a tie."

"And we have a tie," Mace replied, revealing the desired answer.

"Excellent. Padmé, it all comes down to you. If you can pair with Dex, he's the winner. If not, we have a tie, and we'll have all kinds of chaos as we figure out what to do next. Show us your answer."

"Thankfully, we can keep calm," Padmé replied, revealing an answer of "Hideous."

After several dings in a row, the theme song played to announce the winner.

"Dex, you're the winner with five pairings to Letta's four. Come step down here and stand on the small dot," Ray said. Turning to Letta, he told her, "Letta, you didn't win, unfortunately, but you played the game well, and we'll have some nice parting gifts for you. Thanks for playing Pair Game 13."

"Thanks, Ray. I had fun. Thanks for having me."

As the contestant turntable spun away, Ray said, "Dex, you've won 100 credits, and we'll play the Audience Pair right after these messages."

###

After the latest round of commercials, another announcement played on-screen.

 _[Contestants not appearing on-stage will receive one or more of the following gifts: Lite-Eyez eye drops work on the driest of eyes, from red to yellow, to provide hours of soothing relief._

 _Others might receive Thimiar Helper. Add our special blend of herbs and seasonings to your favorite thimiar dish and make a marvelous meal._

 _And all contests receive a complementary copy of the home version of Pair Game 13. It's so much fun, you'll have a blank._

 _And now, back to Pair Game 13 with Ray Geneburn.]_

"Thanks, Ollie," Ray replied. "I'm here with Dex and we're about the play the Audience Pair. We asked the audience to fill in the blanks to various items and tallied up their top three responses. The most popular response earns 500 credits. The second-most gets 250, and the third one gets 100 credits. Let's see what we're working with today."

The topmost slot revealed the phrase, "Star (blank)."

"Dex, to help make it easier for you, you can ask three of our panelists—one at a time—for what they think is one of the answers."

"Let's see," Dex said. "Padmé helped me win, so let's ask her."

"Padmé, if you had to fill in 'Star (blank),' what would you choose?"

"I'll say star base," she replied.

"OK. That's a decent answer. Dex, who would you like to ask next?"

"For some odd reason, I want to know what Dooku thinks."

"Sure thing. Dooku, help Dex out here. What would you say here?"

"Star cruiser," Dooku replied.

"Dex, you have one more panelist to choose. Who's the lucky one?"

"Let's try Mina," Dex said.

"Mina, oh Mina, what would you like to suggest?"

"You know, going last is hard because the good answers have been taken," Mina answered. "Hmm... I'll say star gazing."

"Dex, you have three good answers now: star base, star cruiser, or star gazing. However, you can decide all those answers are useless and pick something on your own. What will it be?"

"Padmé's answers have helped me so far, I'm going to go with her answer."

"So, Dex is looking for a star base. Let's reveal the 100-credit answer."

"Star gazing," everyone said as the answer revealed.

"That was Mina's answer. Let's look at the 250-credit answer."

Bells dinged a few time as "Base" revealed itself as the middle response.

"Dex, you've won 250 more credits to give you 350. Those are yours to keep. But now, I'm curious to see what the top answer might be."

The panelists nodded or verbalized their agreement.

"OK, show us the 500-credit response."

Everyone looked on in disbelief to see the word "Wars" revealed.

"Star Wars?" Ray asked. "What the heck is that? Have any of you hard of that phrase?"

The panelists either shrugged or shook their heads no.

"I have no idea why the audience said that, but Dex still won 250 credits in the Audience Pair, so he now plays the Ultimate Pair for ten times the amount he just won—or 2500 credits."

The audience gasped in awe.

Now, our computer will randomly select a panelist."

The game board dinged as it displayed Shaak's name.

"Dex, if you can make an **exact** pairing with Shaak Ti, you'll win 2500 more credits. Here's your question: Clone (blank). Shaak are you ready?" Ray asked.

Shaak nodded as background music began to play.

"Clone (blank)," Ray repeated a couple of times. Shaak then locked in her answer.

"Dex, if you can pair up with Shaak, you win 2500 credits in addition to the 350 you already have. What's your answer."

"Ray, I've been lucky to serve a number of clone troopers in my diner, so I'll say clone trooper," Dex replied.

Some audience members cheered as others groaned in disappointment.

"Well, that's not a bad answer, but there's one or two more that are just as good. Shaak, what did you put down?"

"Ray, you know that I oversee the training of clone troopers on Kamino, but I decided to record the reason for them: clone wars," she answered.

After hearing a buzzer, Ray said, "Dex, I'm sorry you didn't pair with Shaak. You didn't win the 2500 credits, but you have 350 and you'll get to play again."

Ray was prepared to say more, but an off-screen director interrupted him.

"What's that? Oh OK. Before we can continue, we have to go to another commercial break. We'll be right back with more Pair Game 13 after these messages."

###

Returning from the break, Ray and Dex stood together in front of the panelists' area.

"Dex, the bad news is we don't have enough time to start another game. The good news, however, is that you **will** come back next time to defend you championship and compete against someone else."

"That sounds good to me. I had fun today," Dex replied.

"Good. We still have a minute or so left. Mace, what are you doing in your free time these days? Surely Jedi still have time to participate in non-Jedi activities."

"I just signed a deal to be the spokesperson for the Lowercase Two Credit Company," Mace told Ray.

"I guess I know what you'll have in your robe pocket now. OK, everyone, I hope you had fun watching us. Please tune in next time for another exciting episode of Pair Game 13. Take care, now."

The closing credits played, including brief shots of each panelist.

 _[This is Ollie Johnson speaking for Pair Game 13—a Mallet Media Production. Next up is another episode of Secret Sharers.]_

* * *

 **Closing Commentary**

This was a fun one-shot to write. Coincidentally, the first episode of _Match Game 73_ aired this past weekend, so I used it as both inspiration for this story and as a benchmark to capture the essential elements of the show in my parody version.

Thanks for your continued reading and support of my stories.

END


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